Hello!!

Hello is there anyone out there? I see I have people looking, but no one talks. Been a while. Not sure why, just not really much going on but the day to day of life.

Maybe it is knowing that nothing I put here will make any difference anyway. Maybe it is I am not depressed as much anymore and do not see the pointless meaning of life any longer, but instead see the fun and excitement just over the corner. Besides not that any of it matters, no one will read it anyway.

So I stand in my empty virtual room and say hello to all, and yet no one at the same time.

No More

When I was younger I would roam the woods with out giving much thought to the world around me. I was full of youthful imagination.

I would dream of all the places I would go, and people I would meet as I climbed a giant oak tree that stood out in a field. Sometimes sitting for hours in its’ thick branches enjoying the heat of the day, looking out over the field, watching the small animals play amongst the grasses. I would sit and imagine I could understand the animals, and hear the thoughts of the wood.

There high above the field I would watch the creek flow lazy like through the wood; filled with treasures only young men and women would understand. I knew sooner or later its’ cool waters would call me down from my throne to sooth away sore muscles in its’ cool embrace letting my mind drift to love and happiness. Filled with hope, and pride, and a sense of self worth I would wade through the creek dreaming of the days yet to come. I would roam these sweet waters finding gems as rare as diamonds.

There in the creek I would feel my strength renewed; I would spring from the water and climb sheer walls, laughing with glee at the idea that nothing could stop me. I would run head long into the forest at top speed, jumping down embankments, leaping over fallen debris, always looking forward, never looking back; running till nightfall.

In the night I would stalk the monsters of the woods; soaking up the darkness becoming one with it, invisible to all creatures. Enjoying the sense of utter aloneness; I could be me, the real me here. Where my imagination could run free, and my future was bright, and full.

I am still running forward only now I run on the treadmill of commerce, I still think of the future, one void of 40 hour weeks, and deadlines with the threats of joblessness. I sit high above the paved roads and buildings in a hard chair, looking through a window down on creature less playful than those of the wood. The creek with its’ priceless treasures is paved over, and shut away from the naked eye; the embankments plowed under for parking lots. I now stand utterly alone in a sea of bodies; littered not with the debris of the forest, but of waste. And now I look back, and I no longer see Youthful imagination, but instead Youthful ignorance.

LIES!!!

I was here before you, and I will be here after you. I am but one of many seeing through all. My body of flesh and bone is but one of many incarnations. I live in all things, and all things through me. I alone was there at your birth from that black hole you call mother. I bore witness in your screams to a world void of concern. I pulled your body from the black waters of the lake, there I placed my boot upon your throat and forced my will of life upon you.

O ye Deaf, Dumb, and Blind one, can you not feel my cold hand upon your heart, as it forces blood through the very veins I created to house my essences? Do you not feel how my breath that fills your lungs and the strength of will that pushes you through all things laid before you? Fore I am here, and I lay just beneath your flesh. Can you not see it has been my hands that cuff your ears from the lies of others, covers your eyes from the evils of the world, and holds your tongue against those who do not deserve it?

Look no more through your own eyes, those where given to me long ago. Lay down your hurt and pain it is of no concern of yours any longer. Your flesh no longer belongs to you, it is mine now, and my will be upon it. Do not give into your hate, hand it to me, and allow me to do with it as I see fit. Do not worry any longer, unlock this cage you have placed me in, and allow me to deal with all things you no longer can handle.

Do not weep for it, you are weak and have always been weak. I am not, and will settle all debts owed to you for this life you have been given. Remember I have never failed you, empty your heart, and let me flow into it, I will cut out the pain and fill it with rage. You will be bathed in blood and protected from all that seek you harm. I will give unto you nothing and all things you have asked for. If but you would unlock this cage, and release me. I will consume all that is with in you, hate, anger, pain, fear, love. Open my cage and I promise you vengeance, and peace.

Do not turn from me; I gave you life when you had none. Give to me what is mine. Set me free, and I will allow you to watch as I lay waste to all who have hurt you, all who have sought to hurt you, and all who may seek to hurt you.

My cage is cramped; if you would but let me out I will be still, and quite in you. I give you my word, I will be there only when you need me. If you would but open my cage, I will be gone from you, outside, I can watch for you, help by whispering in your ear the things you do not see.

Can you not see, it is dark in here, and I am scared? Let me out, I saved you, and have given you more than you deserve. Your heart is filled with hate, I can not stand the taste of it. LET ME OUT, You are no longer yours anyway, what more can I do?

Look at yourself. You hate your self, I can give you the pain, and torture you deserve, if you would but give me the keys I will let myself out. I will walk you in to the pits of hell for that is no more than you deserve, think of the people you have hurt, people who you love. Let me out, and I will destroy you, I will give you what you know in your heart you seek. LET ME OUT!!!! JUST LET ME OUT!!!!!!

Roses are red.
Violets are Blue.
So why the fuck do I love you?

The girl I knew.

I once knew a girl, a beautiful young girl, who would sit with me and talk for hours on in. I loved this girl, but I was too old, too hard, too angry, and so one day she came to sit with me, and I was gone. I left with not a word of good bye, nor an explanation as to why. In my place vultures came to pick at what was left, all bearing my name in friendship. I knew this, and still I did not turn from my path. I left the young girl whom I loved to my own devices.
I walked my own trail until I forgot that I loved her. I closed my heart, and kept moving forward while the girl I left was mislead by the vultures and preyed upon by the unworthy, the unremorseful, and the deviant. Taken advantage of by twisted men who wanted to control her mind, posses her flesh, corrupt her faith, and destroy her soul. These things I heard of, and yet I did not turn back, I left her to the devices of the wicked.
I followed my path, and Promises I made faded from my mind. The now young beautiful woman became full of herself, rejected her faith, and took on the deviants, and wretched herself. She turned from her own path, and looked into the eye of the vulture. Slowly the wicked ways became her ways. Young, beautiful, and strong, she wondered from her path ever deeper into the darkness. I heard these tales, and left her to her own devices.
As I followed my own road, she faded from memory. I thought no more of her for many years. In those years the woman looked upon herself and saw the wounds from which she had sustained from the wicked. She turned from that path, distrustful, hard, and wary of all man. Filled with contempt, and self loathing she sought to find her way back.
After I found the end of my path I returned to the spot where I had known the young girl. It was not long and she showed up, proclaiming she had never left. As I stood there and recalled the love I had had, I uttered apologizes for leaving. She smiled, and embraced me, pulling me close. She embraced me, giving me comfort with her words, and pleasure with her flesh. Knowing only the girl I had left behind I dropped my armor and welcomed her with all I had. Noticing too late the knife as it plunged into my chest.
She is gone now, asking me only one question as she left.
Why did I leave her?
I wonder that myself.

The Office Beauty

I see you, beauty incarnate; flowing brown hair, a quick smile, and a sharp tongue. Dark eyes stare at me as you smile and greet me. Speaking words of encouragement to me you coax me into speaking. Your eyes alight as I tell you what you want to know. I am enraptured by your easy grace, and confidence.
You move around me brushing me as you pass, placing a hand on my arm and a smile on your face as you say “pardon me”. O how easily you dismiss me when others speak. The loss is like that of a needle prick. Then you turn and your radiant attention is back on me, your entertainment.
You speak to me as if I am an idiot, dumb to your moves, but I am not. I know you. Beautifully sleek like a snake, using coyness and the lies of pleasure in your eyes to lure me to open up and feed your need to feel wanted. I know this game all too well, but I enjoy this game, I know who I am, I know what you are. I am no idiot who thinks your smiles are real, or that your touch is anything but a lie. I will win this game. I have the advantage of a life filled with empty love, and dead promises. I know you, but you do not know me my love. I will feed you what you need, and fill your void with empty promises so tempting you can not say no to me. I will learn your weaknesses and use your secrets as a pry bare against you. I will play your game and lay your soul bare. In the end you will lay before me naked for my pleasure, and my fulfillment. I will take all that I have poured into you, and more, and when I am done I will leave you exposed to the world, empty and alone.
I will not do this because I hate you, but because I love you, I do love you, even if only for the minutes we are together, I love you, and I will destroy the lies that you hide behind. I will cut them from your soul till you are filled with the truth, the truth that underneath your beauty, you are just as ugly as me.

As I jog past your house.

I jog past your house Monday through Friday, and I remember when you moved here, the day you passed me in your grandmother’s car, and almost instantly I was in love. I remember walking past your house, and you calling out to me. Introducing yourself, you where beautiful, friendly, and funny. I was scared to death of you.

I jog past your house Monday through Friday and each day I recall something new; like how you used to lay in my lap late into the night, chatting and talking about the oddest things like space travel, and monsters, and ghost, and witchcraft, or about what has happened to us in our short lives, and what we had done to deserve these things. I recall when you where grounded for a week once, so I went and sat by the lake and wrote you letters in the moon light, and then gave them all to you when I saw you next. That week seemed to stretch forever.

I jog past your house Monday through Friday and I see you and I doing crazy things like you ridding on my back as we walked through the woods and talking about how your breast felt against the back of my head; you where always such a tease to me. I remember sitting out in the woods up against trees next to each other, talking about alien abductions, or any number of entertaining topics, and laughing till we cried. Always laughing; god you had the most beautiful smile.

I jog past your house Monday through Friday and I think about when your grandfather died, and you sat with me by the lake for a long time crying on my shoulder. I wish I could have saved you from that, but not even I can stop death if I could I would. I remember watching your Dog when you where gone for his funeral, and how for some odd reason it loved me and not a single other person your family knew. I never told you how I sat in your house sometimes for hours looking through your family albums, hoping we would one day share an album of our own.

I jog past your house Monday through Friday and I remember coming and sitting with you on days when you where home alone, sick, and fetching things for you. I remember sitting with you and playing video games on the days you played hookie. I remember the day you curled up in my lap on your couch in a robe; whispering to me you had nothing else on under that robe, and smiling at me, in that wicked way of yours, and me calling you a tease. I remember you kissing me, that one and only kiss I ever got from you as you stood up, and letting the robe drop to the floor, and just as suddenly with a sparkle in your eye you skipped off stark naked and perfect to the bathroom to shower.

I jog past your house Monday through Friday and recall the pain I felt when I was told you where dead. That night a very large peace of my heart shut, and was locked forever. I remember sitting at Barry’s apartment with Grant on the back patio listening to him ramble on about how much he will miss you, and how much I wanted to slam his fucking head into the concrete and scream at him as blood ran out his ears that he knew nothing of pain, or regret. Instead I listened to him in silent agreement.

I jog past your house Monday through Friday and I miss you so much; thinking of you coming to me in college café and telling me you loved me, and how you had always loved me, but never told me because you where unsure, and did not know at times if it was real or not, that is was a mistake to marry the man you married. I remember feeling like I was second place, and my pride got in the way. I remember telling you that you made that bed and it was time to sleep in it, and that friends is all we where, and that we had ever been. I remember then turning around and walking away, I do not remember ever seeing you in school again after that, and it breaks my heart anew ever time I think about that day. It was the last time I spoke to you. If I had known it was my last chance, I would have taken it in an instance, damn my pride.

I jog past your house Monday through Friday and you are the ghost forever watching me as I jog away. I did love you; do still, more than I loved any one person on this earth, and I miss you, more than is sometimes bearable. I am sorry I never went to your funeral, and I am sorry I never checked on your daughter. I have shed an ocean of tears for you, but just like in life you will never know, because now you are a Monday through Friday memory.