The Office Beauty

I see you, beauty incarnate; flowing brown hair, a quick smile, and a sharp tongue. Dark eyes stare at me as you smile and greet me. Speaking words of encouragement to me you coax me into speaking. Your eyes alight as I tell you what you want to know. I am enraptured by your easy grace, and confidence.
You move around me brushing me as you pass, placing a hand on my arm and a smile on your face as you say “pardon me”. O how easily you dismiss me when others speak. The loss is like that of a needle prick. Then you turn and your radiant attention is back on me, your entertainment.
You speak to me as if I am an idiot, dumb to your moves, but I am not. I know you. Beautifully sleek like a snake, using coyness and the lies of pleasure in your eyes to lure me to open up and feed your need to feel wanted. I know this game all too well, but I enjoy this game, I know who I am, I know what you are. I am no idiot who thinks your smiles are real, or that your touch is anything but a lie. I will win this game. I have the advantage of a life filled with empty love, and dead promises. I know you, but you do not know me my love. I will feed you what you need, and fill your void with empty promises so tempting you can not say no to me. I will learn your weaknesses and use your secrets as a pry bare against you. I will play your game and lay your soul bare. In the end you will lay before me naked for my pleasure, and my fulfillment. I will take all that I have poured into you, and more, and when I am done I will leave you exposed to the world, empty and alone.
I will not do this because I hate you, but because I love you, I do love you, even if only for the minutes we are together, I love you, and I will destroy the lies that you hide behind. I will cut them from your soul till you are filled with the truth, the truth that underneath your beauty, you are just as ugly as me.

As I jog past your house.

I jog past your house Monday through Friday, and I remember when you moved here, the day you passed me in your grandmother’s car, and almost instantly I was in love. I remember walking past your house, and you calling out to me. Introducing yourself, you where beautiful, friendly, and funny. I was scared to death of you.

I jog past your house Monday through Friday and each day I recall something new; like how you used to lay in my lap late into the night, chatting and talking about the oddest things like space travel, and monsters, and ghost, and witchcraft, or about what has happened to us in our short lives, and what we had done to deserve these things. I recall when you where grounded for a week once, so I went and sat by the lake and wrote you letters in the moon light, and then gave them all to you when I saw you next. That week seemed to stretch forever.

I jog past your house Monday through Friday and I see you and I doing crazy things like you ridding on my back as we walked through the woods and talking about how your breast felt against the back of my head; you where always such a tease to me. I remember sitting out in the woods up against trees next to each other, talking about alien abductions, or any number of entertaining topics, and laughing till we cried. Always laughing; god you had the most beautiful smile.

I jog past your house Monday through Friday and I think about when your grandfather died, and you sat with me by the lake for a long time crying on my shoulder. I wish I could have saved you from that, but not even I can stop death if I could I would. I remember watching your Dog when you where gone for his funeral, and how for some odd reason it loved me and not a single other person your family knew. I never told you how I sat in your house sometimes for hours looking through your family albums, hoping we would one day share an album of our own.

I jog past your house Monday through Friday and I remember coming and sitting with you on days when you where home alone, sick, and fetching things for you. I remember sitting with you and playing video games on the days you played hookie. I remember the day you curled up in my lap on your couch in a robe; whispering to me you had nothing else on under that robe, and smiling at me, in that wicked way of yours, and me calling you a tease. I remember you kissing me, that one and only kiss I ever got from you as you stood up, and letting the robe drop to the floor, and just as suddenly with a sparkle in your eye you skipped off stark naked and perfect to the bathroom to shower.

I jog past your house Monday through Friday and recall the pain I felt when I was told you where dead. That night a very large peace of my heart shut, and was locked forever. I remember sitting at Barry’s apartment with Grant on the back patio listening to him ramble on about how much he will miss you, and how much I wanted to slam his fucking head into the concrete and scream at him as blood ran out his ears that he knew nothing of pain, or regret. Instead I listened to him in silent agreement.

I jog past your house Monday through Friday and I miss you so much; thinking of you coming to me in college café and telling me you loved me, and how you had always loved me, but never told me because you where unsure, and did not know at times if it was real or not, that is was a mistake to marry the man you married. I remember feeling like I was second place, and my pride got in the way. I remember telling you that you made that bed and it was time to sleep in it, and that friends is all we where, and that we had ever been. I remember then turning around and walking away, I do not remember ever seeing you in school again after that, and it breaks my heart anew ever time I think about that day. It was the last time I spoke to you. If I had known it was my last chance, I would have taken it in an instance, damn my pride.

I jog past your house Monday through Friday and you are the ghost forever watching me as I jog away. I did love you; do still, more than I loved any one person on this earth, and I miss you, more than is sometimes bearable. I am sorry I never went to your funeral, and I am sorry I never checked on your daughter. I have shed an ocean of tears for you, but just like in life you will never know, because now you are a Monday through Friday memory.

I have an idea.

So I have an idea for a net bar in a college town. I mean what college student does not love shooting shit, and drinking.
Pain is everywhere; no time to stop or Death will catch you. She will catch you anyway but the trick is to convince her to look the other way for as long as possible. Some times though she looks at you, and will caress you, though she will not take you; much like a cock tease bring you to the brink and then leaving you hanging, crippled, broken, confused, and wanting more. Death is a state of insanity only you’re not alive, maybe; maybe you are dead only this is your life rushing past you. Maybe you are trapped under a car right now, with the screams of your girlfriend as she lies on the side of road, and this is your mind trying desperately; grasping at straws to comfort it self in those final moments. Harsh is the idea that your whole is to end up trapped under that car. Amounting to nothing but a crushed peace of meat for cannibal priest to feed on; scaring your family into following the path to heaven. They stand in front of your corpse feasting on it like maggots on the souls of your loved ones who gather around to mourn your passing. Do you see this? Are you trapped, does it end, do you become meat for vulture priest, and earth worm shit while the world moves onward to the next great cluster fuck. Why do you care, who is love, and who loves you? Not me…. Some where I am sure someone will, but all I want is your body, the meat, the flesh, the warmth of your hateful touch. More time is what I want, more time to be human. To die now is to condemn my soul to hell. More time is what I want, to die now would mean he would have out lived me. I need more time to gather my tools, so that when we meet I can torture you, murder you, to love you in the only way I know.
So I have this idea to open a net bar for college students. I need a warehouse, tables, computers, wi-fi, freezer, meat hooks, chains, computers, ranking system. I hate this place, kill it and cut me out of it. Move on, go away. I need this to work; I can keep this on…… I want you to die with me in you, or with in me. I am okay though, maybe, but I can not kill myself, will not kill myself. I am too curious to see the end so I will live because I want to see you Die..

P.S. I always loved you Dad.